What Is Healthy Independence?

By Tanya Hoover, MSW, RSW, CPT

An assignment in my son’s Grade 3 class was to draw the cover of a favourite book, and to write a lesson learned from the book. My son chose Five on a Treasure Island from the series The Famous Five by Enid Blyton. For the lesson he learned, he wrote, “Little kids can make a big difference.” In the Famous Five series, four kids between the ages of 10 and 12 go on adventures without adults, get into dangerous situations and always find a way to solve the problem. I was thrilled that my son’s take away from all this was that little kids can make a big difference. First published in 1942, the specific situations and adventures in The Famous Five Series differ from the adventures of 10- to 12-year-olds today. But what remains the same is that the freedom to explore, to make our own mistakes, to practice our own competence leads to feelings of freedom, of being capable, of being able to make a difference. Ultimately, it leads to exploration and the realization that the possibilities are endless. Big changes, big ideas, influential change are a result of children or adults taking chances, trying new things and exploring.

After Katharina shared her experience of being reported to CFS, and after she spoke out to the community about what needs to change, I reflected on my own choices with my children, who are now 8-years old and 4-years old. I realized that there were times when I felt my older child had the safety knowledge he needed for some independence, he was reliable and responsible, and that I felt the setting was safe, and yet, I did not offer him this independence only because in the back of my mind, I worried about a community member reporting us to CFS. I was not clear on the legislation, like many of us are not. After reflection, and after clarification of the CFS Act from Jay Rodgers, Deputy Minister of Families at the time, I feel confident to make choices that are in the best interest of my children.

Attachment and Healthy Independence

I am a Certified Play Therapist, specializing in the area of healthy attachment relationships. Finding a balance of offering children comforting nurture, and offering independence is close to my heart both as a professional and as a parent.

Gaining healthy independence is part of the balance of going out and coming in that children do as part of healthy attachment relationships. These relationships are the foundation of healthy development for children. As Hoffman, Cooper and Powell say in their book Raising a Secure Child: How Circle of Security Parenting Can Help You Nurture Your Child’s Attachment, Emotional Resilience, and Freedom to Explore, “Decades of research have now shown that having a secure attachment with a primary caregiver leaves children healthier and happier in virtually every way we measure such things – in competence and self-confidence, empathy and compassion, resilience and endurance…in the ability to regulate emotions, tap intellectual capacity, and preserve physical health…in pursuing our life’s work and having a fulfilling personal life,” (Hoffman, Cooper and Powell, p. 15). That’s an astounding list!

Healthy attachment relationships include compassionately holding our children close for protection, comfort and help to organize their feelings; balanced with opportunities for children to explore their independence and competence. The key lies in paying attention to their cues of readiness, and to the safety of the setting. Children thrive when they are offered opportunities to explore their community when their developmental level and the safety of the setting permits. Their social-emotional skills suffer when these opportunities are lacking.

Observing When Children are Ready

There are many things to think about when we talk about children gaining healthy independence. First and foremost, this is not about pushing for independence. It is about paying attention to the cues our children are sending us to let us know whether they need protection, comfort and help to organize their feelings, or whether they need opportunities to explore their independence and competence. They will have needs for all these things, many times.

When parents are mindful of their child’s maturity and the circumstances, exploring nature and their community can be a positive, joyful and developmentally beneficial experience. As parents, we can be mindful of the safety of the setting, and of how we will make plans with our children to monitor or check in with them in a way that fits their developmental level and the setting. We can think about how we prepare our children for situations they may encounter.

Exploring Healthy Independence with My Children

Here are some examples from my own experience with my children, in offering them opportunities for independence before the age of 12.

When my son was 7-years-old, and his good friend and neighbour was 11-years-old, they went to the park together for short amounts of time. As parents, we felt confident letting these two boys go independently to the park that was half a block away. They were together, they were developmentally ready, they knew what to do to avoid unsafe situations, and as parents, we checked in on them every 20 minutes or so. Our son came back from these park plays with increased confidence and a sense of responsibility.

During a camping trip, our friends’ 10-year-old independently paddled the short distance across the calm lake with our 4-year-old, in a child-sized kayak, their two life-jacket clad bodies tucked up together. We watched from the side, ready to paddle out in the canoe if they needed us. They didn’t. They got out of the kayak at the beach across the lake, danced and ran together on the sand, and paddled back. Then they did it again. And again. The feelings of freedom and competence shone on their faces!

Photo by Tanya Hoover

Our 8-year-old son enjoys biking around the block with two 7-year-old neighbour boys. The three of them bike around the block, communicating by walkie-talkie. As parents, we stay present – not keeping them in sight at all moments – but being sure to monitor them periodically. Our son arrives home after this independent biking with rosy cheeks, expressing competence and the joy of freedom and friendship. Our son expresses gratitude to be part of our community. On one occasion during one of these biking excursions, we had not seen the boys bike by for a longer time than usual, and we went to look for them. My son had fallen off his bike and had some scrapes. His friends were in the process of getting help for him. My son said that he did not feel scared. He knew that either his friends would get help, or he could get up and walk home.

Our 8-year-old and our 4-year-old go down the sidewalk together independently, a couple of houses down from our house. We are monitoring them, but we are not right by their side. There is a tree that is just right for a shelter, and they pretend they are explorers and this is their shelter. They share snacks, they carry clothes and special toys with them, and bask in the feelings of connection with one another, as well as the feeling of independence as two kids, making their own place in the world. My 4-year-old daughter is not quite ready for these kinds of forays on her own, but together with her older brother, she thrives from these experiences of competence.

Building Supportive Legislation

It is vital that our laws create space for children to be able to explore, gradually as they grow. This is now, and has always been, a natural part of healthy development and healthy attachment relationships.

Our communities and our politicians need to pay attention to what today’s parents are saying: we want nothing more than to do everything we can to keep our children safe and to protect our children’s best interests…and that includes having laws that support us being able to offer our children opportunities to slowly gain independence.

Works Cited

Hoffman, Cooper, Powell. Raising a Secure Child: How Circle of Security Parenting can help you nurture your child’s attachment, emotional resilience, and freedom to explore. New York: The Guidford Press, 2017.